Today is a black hat day.
I will try to stay positive but I’m sure there will be many other days like today in the years ahead.
I was feeling grumpy this morning after having a headache most of the night. I also feel nauseous again. Given that I am scheduled to be on four times my current dose of pramipexole in a couple of weeks’ time, this is a little worrying.
I went for a 5K run around the park this morning. It was a thoroughly unpleasant experience. My left leg still felt strong and true but I felt like I was dragging a lame right leg around. The overall pace was a plod, not unlike my pace at the end of a Marathon. And there was a complete lack of enjoyment, despite the fresh air, the happy families taking their Sunday walks in the park and even a little winter sunshine.
It has been like this on the last two or three runs I have done but today it seemed worse, despite now being on medication. Previously a meticulous recorder of all my training runs, I now simply write in my log: “Gentle run once per week.” I could claim this is because the time is not important on a gentle run, but the truth is I am too embarrassed to see the minutes per kilometre.
For non-runners this might not seem like a big deal. But I was a keen runner for over 30 years, competing in numerous track events, cross country races, road runs and half and full Marathons in that time. I used to love the feeling of being “in the zone” on a training run as the endorphins washed through my body, not the mention the benefits of being outdoors and the general fitness. Running was my thing, my one major hobby, the only extra-curricular activity I was moderately good at.
Granted I have not been running much in the last three months, though I have been on my exercise bike at least twice per week. But the fact remains that I ran the New York Marathon in November and I think now I would struggle to complete 10K. Of course I now know that I ran that day with Parkinson’s, which explains the terrible finishing time. Nevertheless, the precipitous decline in my running performance comes as a shock.
I am uncertain whether I will continue running at all, let alone compete in the Vitality London 10K which I have signed up for in May. Why bother doing something I no longer enjoy?
I also have a Monday morning of client meetings to look forward to, and an afternoon of more back to back meetings in the office. I wonder: will I feel tired and sick all day? Again.
I remind myself I have much to be happy about but today it doesn’t wash.
Definitely a black hat day.
